Children interact in many ways: they play, explore, and learn from one another. Conflicts and competition also arise, as they assert personal boundaries. While we may wish to protect them from these challenges, we hope they build relationships based on cooperation, respect, and care. How children, including siblings, relate to each other is often shaped by our own attitudes and responses.
Defining competition
As defined by the Polish Dictionary, competition is ‘the pursuit of being first or gaining something or someone’. It takes place among individuals operating within certain groups, such as sports teams or school classes. Its negative dimension is often emphasised, for example through self-comparison or the familiar idea of the ‘rat race’.
People tend to compete in particular areas of social or physical activity, whether in the workplace, in sport, or even within friendships. In the context of child development, competition frequently entails:
- sibling rivalry (e.g., for parental attention or toys);
- competition at school (for better grades or teacher praise);
- competition in sports (focused on achieving the best result or winning).
Is competition a good thing?
Competition has both positive and negative aspects. On the one hand, it can help shape character, strengthen various skills, boost motivation and creativity, and encourage persistence. Competition can support personal growth by helping individuals notice their strengths and recognise areas that need improvement. Taking part in competitive situations also gives space to experience both success and failure, which can be valuable in building resilience and encouraging development.
At the same time, competition can have its drawbacks. It may create tension within a group or between individuals and can lower self-esteem, particularly when someone finds it difficult to handle setbacks. Feelings of unfairness or jealousy may arise, especially when the outcome seems undeserved. In some cases, the pressure to win becomes so strong that individuals may be tempted to ignore the rules altogether.
What should parents do?
Today, parents are fully aware that the world is currently oriented towards competition, and schools place a strong emphasis on rivalry. They also acknowledge the value of fostering cooperation in children. It is therefore important to prepare them for both collaborative and competitive situations.
First and foremost, it is essential to distinguish between positive and negative forms of competition. It is advisable to base competition on the child’s talents, abilities, and skills, as well as their competencies and knowledge, which should be used in the pursuit of success. An important parental role is to explain to children that competition does not always lead to victory, as they will inevitably encounter failure at some stage.
It is important to support the development of self-worth in a child. This involves helping them understand that losing does not mean they lack value. Instead, it can be viewed as a chance to learn, improve, and continue making progress. At the same time, it is necessary to avoid allowing this sense of self-worth to turn into a feeling of superiority. A young person who is frequently encouraged to succeed and often achieves success may become overly confident. In such cases, they may find it particularly challenging to deal with failure.
Allow your child to express anger, pain, or irritation. This helps them understand that all emotions are acceptable and deserve recognition. For a young person who feels overwhelmed, being listened to and having the chance to speak about what they see as the unfairness of the world is essential. Once emotions are brought into the open and identified, it becomes possible to look at them from different points of view. This process cannot take place if the feelings remain hidden.
Parents’ reactions
When competition arises between children, particularly siblings, the way adults respond is highly significant. It can either help to strengthen the relationship or contribute to its breakdown. All too often, parents react to these situations with criticism, comparisons, and a set of demands or expectations. These are often expressed in remarks such as, ‘You’re older, you should let them have their way,’ or ‘Siblings don’t behave like this, stop it’. Such comments, however well intended, may have unintended consequences. They can leave children feeling ignored and undervalued. In response, a child may begin to see themselves as either the winner or the loser, casting their sibling in the role of rival. This way of thinking increases tension between them, which is likely to build up and eventually come to the surface.
It is important to refrain from making comparisons between children. Criticising one child in front of another should also be avoided. Each child is an individual, and rather than using shame, it is more effective to recognise and praise their strengths. A key part of a parent’s role is to show that working together can often achieve more than acting alone. For example, when children are reluctant to tidy their room, suggesting they share the task and cooperate can be helpful. Doing it together usually makes the process quicker and more manageable.
How should children be taught healthy approaches to competition?
Board games are a highly effective and widely recommended tool for this purpose. They provide a natural setting for competition, as each player aims to achieve the objective before the others. It is useful to help children understand from an early age that winning and losing are both part of the experience. When a game is lost, adults can set an example by responding appropriately — by accepting the result, congratulating the winner, and suggesting another round. It is important to teach a child:
- to reflect on failures and learn from them (for example, receiving a lower mark at school due to a lack of preparation);
- to understand that luck can sometimes be on our side and at other times on someone else’s, both in games and in life.
Understanding the role of the teacher
Unfortunately, the education system often falls short in preparing young people for effective collaboration, as it places a stronger emphasis on individual achievement, which can reinforce a competitive way of thinking. In this context, it is important for teachers to encourage pupils to engage, make an effort, and develop their abilities. Recognising each child’s strengths and aptitudes is essential. For example, if one student demonstrates a talent for writing and another shows skill in public speaking, they can form a complementary partnership and work together on a class project.
Cooperative learning proves to be an effective approach in schools. It involves assigning different parts of the material to individual students, enabling each one to develop expertise in a specific area. The next stage focuses on sharing this knowledge with peers. As students share what they have learned, the group as a whole gains a fuller understanding of the subject. This method clearly shows that a complete grasp of the material can be achieved through working together.
Positive reinforcement, which involves recognising a child’s strengths and offering praise, also tends to be highly effective. Areas of weakness, by contrast, can be addressed through support, for example with the help of classmates. One useful approach is to create groups in which pupils share knowledge and offer guidance to those who need it.
In the long term, it is important to foster intrinsic motivation, which is widely regarded as the most effective form of motivation. This emerges when a young person chooses to engage in learning for their own reasons and takes satisfaction in their progress. They begin to acknowledge their own achievements and feel encouraged to continue, thinking, for instance, ‘I managed to do it; I want to keep going because I’m curious to learn more’.
Conclusion
Competition should not be removed entirely from a child’s life, but guided in a constructive direction while discouraging its negative aspects. Competition can support the development of individual abilities, which is particularly visible in sport, where success comes through sustained effort, commitment, and practice. It also helps children learn how to manage failure, which prepares them to face a variety of challenges in life, since we all experience setbacks at times.
An important lesson for young people is learning to compare their current performance with their own past efforts rather than with others. This might be expressed through reflections such as, ‘I used to find this difficult, but now I’m doing much better’.
It is also worth remembering that children tend to follow the example we set, rather than simply doing what they are told. If we wish to discourage children from competing to be the best child, student, or friend, we should also refrain from trying to be the best parent, organiser, or similar figure ourselves.
Achieving shared goals depends on cooperation and the quality of our relationships. As the Bible advises: ‘Repay no one evil for evil. Have[a] regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men’ (Romans 12:17–18).
Footnotes
- Renata Kowalska, Healthy Competition Among Children, 2013, https://pppkozienice.pl/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Healthy-competition-among-children.pdf.
- Monika Szczepanik, ‘And I Have Better Than You’ – How to React to Competition Among Children, https://dziecisawazne.pl/and-i-have-better-than-you-how-to-react-to-competition-among-children/.
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